Simple

Life should not be made complicated. Life *is* complicated. As simple as that.

I can be a handful I know. But I am a good person. I like myself many times. Many other times I think I am getting to know myself better whereas I am just getting into the tunnels of my own minds. And do you know where they lead? They are convoluted within themselves and they lead BACK to themselves. No way out. As simple as that.

This is why words do not help anymore. There must be another language. One that allows you to get out of yourself. One that allows you to see what you have in front if you. One that allows you to let go of everything and just smile.

I can't control what happens outside of me. I can just decide to take or not to take what life offers. And the same for people around me. Simple.

I have no more words and no more actions. My throat is sore of vomiting all of them. The muscles are stressed and feel like there is more to come. But truth is, there is nothing more to come. As simple as that.

But, but, but. Truth is, to just accept it is not that simple.

Don't

Don't tell me how I should feel. I am telling you how I feel, and I do not care if it is not appropriate, not right, not useful. It is how I feel and the necessary starting point, whatever I decide to do with it. There is nothing wrong in how I feel. That is a given. I can be wrong in acting upon my feelings, my behaviour can be inappropriate, but not my feelings.

If you want to support me, if you want to give me advice, don't rely on how I should feel to do so. Rely on how I feel. Anything different will be useless. Also, it will make me feel bad, because I will feel like there is something wrong with me, because I do not feel like I should.

Don't think you have all the answers. You don't. You are human, and what you see is just a perspective. Like mine. Like anybody's.

Listen to me first. If you don't, whatever you are going to say won't be based on me, but on you. When you listen to me, listen to what I say and who I am because you want to know me. Not because you want to confirm yourself through me.

Don't psychoanalyse me. It is far too easy. Like it is most times when trying to understand other people. You would fall into the trap of finding clear causes to who I am now. The clarity, the rationality of such analysis will reassure you. You'll feel you'll have me all figured out. Don't trust this, things are not that straightforward. Also, once you have told me the results of your cheap analysis, you would have added nothing new. Also, believing you *know* what I *don't* will make you feel powerful over me. You will think you are stronger or inadvertedly behave as if. You will limit your own introspection, because you think I am the freak. Bad choice, analysing your own is probably much more fruitful than making it over this way.

Don't overanalyse. Biopsies are performed on corpses*. If you think there is something alive there, don't cut it into pieces. Look at it, play with it, interact. You will get your answers. Also, if you spend all energies overanalysing, you will have none left for actually *living*. You will be drained and exhausted. You will be lost within the ivory towers you have built yourself. You will remain human, but convinced *your* world is all figured out in your head. When you will be actually living in one dimension. Only one.


*I should mention this does not come entirely from me. Thank you M for your wise words.

Time for time

I can be patient about many things. I can be patient about work. I can be patient about movies. I can be patient for those things that depend on me, and me only.

When others are involved, my ability in dealing with patience decreases. Vertically. I feel time is after me, and if things cannot be solved in the here-and-now, they will be lost forever. Not only. I will remain caught inbetween, frozen in an unreal present tense that is just not happening.

But time exists. It is dense and very much present. It is an independent variable I have to deal with.

When I was 14 and going to high school, I was leaving between 5 and 7 minutes from school. Depending on whether I would bike or walk to school. I was always late. Ridiculous, if you consider that I had to take no public transport at all. I developed a theory to explain this. So, since other students were depending on public transport, they had to be on time for the bus in order to be on time for school. I had no bus to take, hence I only had to be on time for school, 1 independent variable. As opposed to others who were forced to deal with two.

However, my controversial relationship with time continued. I kept counting for almost 0 (zero) time for transport even when I had to drive for 30 minutes to go to university.

Now, for the first time. I am beginning to realize that time matters. I started feeling it a few months ago. Not feeling ready to see somebody important for me and not forcing myself into seeing him anyways. I remember after accepting this, I felt relieved. I felt I was breathing time in. It made me feel more stable, more real.

Now, I am watching my world being threaned once again by instability. I see events taking over and I feel my own agency being reduced to its minimum. I know - I know - what is to be done. I have to wait. I have to sit down and just wait. Breath in, breath out. I have to let time do its job, while I admit to myself - once again - that I am no superhuman. I do not control the world, but even more, I do not control *my* world. I decided not to control it once I started letting people in. It is high time I realize this and act accordingly.

Time, time, time. Time for time to heal. Time for time to act. Time is the most significant gift. For others, for oneself. It is so big, it is hard to give to anybody. Even to oneself. But I will put my clothes aside. I will leave everything that is not necessary. And when time is all I have left, I will give it to you. And I will give it to me.

PhD time

- 36 hours and I should be sending off a couple of paragraphs of my literature review before I board the plane. This is why it is not going to happen.

I met my supervisor in mid-March and we agreed I would have sent off my literature review by end of April. It worked fine by me. I was going to Italy for a coupla weeks and thought well, I am going to use that time to focus on my writing and just write away, write away. Then 2 things happened:

1. I got a consultancy. I liked the project and wanted to work on it. Good for my CV, good for the money, good for the object. Really, I could not - and did not want to - say no.
2. My grandmother broke her leg and shoulder on the 03/04. She has been in a hospital ever since. I have spent 2+ weeks in the hospital when i was in Italy, or travelling between home and the hospital.

It is mid-May now, and my supervisors wants to get something written out of me. Before I leave and by the end of the month my literature review should be drafted. Fair and fine. I have been postponing and they are putting pressure on me. Still...

I know what I have achieved so far PhD-wise. It has been hard and it may not be much. But this was the whole point of being a part-time student. In the last 8 months I worked hard to get the following:

1. funding
2. a clear idea of where my research was heading to
3. a kick-off for my literature review

It has been a hard winter. However, I am getting out of my bubble and embracing what there is to be embraced. At the same time, I want to be realistic and I know I am not going to produce a masterpiece before heading off to the bus station tomorrow, nor before the end of the month. A good literature review needs concentration, continuity and patience. So far, I haven't had much of the three.

Pressure is good for me. I have put my PhD aside and I am aware of that. Things are going to change. That is the whole point of being on a scholarship no? You focus on one thing and you try and get it done as soon as possible. I feel determined. I am looking forward to that. I am not skipping steps though. I am taking one at a time.

I need to get away for a bit. And put everything in perspective. That is what I am off to do in the next 10 days. I am sorry if this sounds like the nth excuse for not producing enough PhD-wise. But this post is to show that I know what I achieved this year. I know what difficulties I had and why I had them. I see change happening and I am embracing it. Not overnight.

Before Z.

I am in looking-forward-to mode. Totally. I should be reading and writing, but hell no. I cannot really put my head down to work when I already know that tomorrow and friday I will be stuck in the office all day. Most of all, I cannot really put my head down on the keyboard when my mind is looking forward to (in random order):

• getting away from Oxford
• drying up my skin and bones in the sun
• laying down on the beach, for hours, with nothing on my mind
• seeing Anna, after 8 months and a half
• seeing Anna, after a long winter
  (yes it is the same Anna)
• spending time with Afsan, because it is just never enough
• meeting up with C, because I do not know her
• getting to know B, whom I have never seen before
• having my first "girls only" holiday in a loooong time
• being away from europe altogether
• not checking my email every day, and every hour
• not being close to a computer, for a good 10 days
• leaving my battery charger at home, and having to calculate when and for how long I can have my mobile on
• eating fruits, not the usual apple-pear-banana
• having salad at lunch, possibly every day
• having a cocktail (or two) on the beach
• ridiculous smalltalk
• intense conversations
• no talks at all
• walking on the beach
• sleeping on the beach
• cutting my hair (maybe, not sure about this yet)
• wear a bikini and forget about the other layers
• get a tan
• put everything in perspective

48 hours from now, I will head off to the bus station, then to the airport, then to the Holy South. Oh Zanzibar, here I come! And yes, it has been a long winter indeed.

play-a-game

I had this little psycho-game played on my me by my friend T yesterday night.

The game

Close your eyes and imagine a desert. What is it like? What do you see?

Now imagine there is a cube. What does it look like? Material? Colour? Position? Is it on the ground, floating? Steady? unstable? Is it above or underneath the horizon?

There is a ladder in the picture. Where is it? What material is it made of? Is it steady or does it look fragile? What are its dimensions in relation to the cube?

Now imagine there is a horse. Where is it? What does it look like? Is it going towards the cube? Does it care at all?

Are there flowers in your image?

Now describe the sky. Is it blue? Stormy? Sunny? Changeable?

My answers:

My desert is of a light pink, turning into light yellow. It is not totally flat, but I can see some hills/mountains far from me.

I can see a cube, quite far away and partially inserted in the ground with one of its corners. The cube is therefore not touching the sand with its base. Nonetheless, it is very stable, because it is literally into the ground. It is below the horizon, meaning that I can see hills/mountains of sand behind the cube.

I can walk closer and I see the cube is of a shiny silver colour. It reflects the light. It is more or less my size, maybe slightly bigger.

There is ladder leaning on it. The ladder is made of old wood, so it is kind of imperfect, but very steadily positioned in relation to the cube. It is a bit smaller than the cube, but it allows you to climb it safely and from there, you can get into the cube.

I can see a horse if I turn my eyes. It is not very far, so I can see its shape and colour. It is slowly walking towards the cube. It is brown and beautiful.

There are no flowers.

The sky is bright blue. No clouds whatsoever. No storm coming near. Just steady, sunny, amazing weather.

What it means*:

The cube is myself. My position is not "normal" but I am very firmly grounded. I have quite a realistic image of myself, as I do not see me as being disproportionatelly big, or above the horizon.

The ladder are my friends. I think they are slightly "lower" than me, but they are very close to me. To the extent they actually have access to my inner self (This feature of being able to get into the cube was defined interesting and quite rare). They are wood, whereas I am silver, meaning they give more a sense of warmth, more than I give myself.

The horse is my partner, or future ideal partner. I chose a brown one, meaning I do not idealise *him* (as it would have been the case with a white one) nor see him as an erotic affair (black one). My partner would be romantic, very close to me and all the good qualities you can think of (ehehhehe). The horse is however not with me, but slowly walking towards me. Which means I am not in the hurry of having a relationship, but foresee it in my future.

Flowers are my babies. None in my picture so far.

The sky is totally, disarmingly blue. Meaning I am in peace with myself and no crisis are waiting around the corner. I am living a very balanced moment, YAY!

Apparently once you create this picture in your head, you modify it according to your moods/states. It changes through the years, accounting for the changes in how you feel and what you wish for. Which means there is hope for the flowers to grow at some point ;)


* T did not remember what all the little details mean. He adapted what he remembered from the game being played on him a few nights before. Apparently there is a book with all the explanations...

my red shoes

These red shoes have a story to tell. In fact, I have to wear them with absolute moderation.

It happened in September 2007, right after I came back from Mozambique. I spent a couple of days in the UK just before going to Italy for a relaxing 2 weeks. And september in Italy, it is usually still warm and nice. For some reasons, I had decided to bring my red shoes along with me. I thought they matched the season perfectly.

I put them on one night, going out for an aperitivo with Marie. She lives some 20 minutes away from the town centre. the evening was nice and mild and we decided to walk the way to the place we were going to. By the time we got there, my heel was cut and I was in pain.

To bear my sufferings, I had a few extra drinks, followed by Marie of course, cause drinking in company is always better.

After this, we had received an invitation to attend the opening of a new travel agency. Not a normal travle agency though. One that would organize just peculiar travels and basically serve quite a posh kind of customers. Imagine the place and the people. Not exactly easy going. Not exactly informal.

I had no choice to to walk there barefoot. The cut had got deeper and the pain was honestly quite strong. I had to put my lovely red shoes back on, as attending the posh event barefoot and drunk was simply not an option. It had to be one of the two and we were already quite drunk. So be it. We tried to mingle (mildly) and not to engage in too loud conversation with people we had never seen before. We were still looked at as we were obviously not in our element...

After this, I was meeting G, former colleague from when I was working in town, and go out for dinner. G doe not really care, so I walked barefoot to the place we were meeting, got barefoot in his car, and never put my shoes back on for the rest of the night.

We went to a restaurant that for some reason had mainly male customers. Now, Italy in general is not a very open minded country. You are supposed to follow some rules, and quite meticulously. I was obviously not on track and the eyes of these people were looking quite insistently at my bare - red and black - feet. I bet they thought I was some kind of lost soul, hippie or whatnot. So I was urged to give them all an explanation.

I see you are quite interested in my feet. I am sorry if they offend you, but
the shoes I was wearing before cut my heels and gave me tremendous pain. Either
I went back home, or made without them. And since this is the only night I can
meet this friend of mine, I hope you see why I decided to go for the second
option. So that's it.

After this you would think that the only reasonable plae for these shoes was the rubbish bin. yet, look how beautiful they are. I just couldn't.

I wear them now, for short distances only, or when I know I will spend the most of my day sitting or biking. They are tricky shoes. The pain they cause does not develop bit by bit, but all at once. At a point, I just realised I am screwed and cut again, and I cannot walk anymore. Just like that.

Still, aren't they beautiful?