Tonight I can Write*

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example "the night is starry

and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance."

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved him and sometimes, he loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held him in my arms.

I kissed him again and again under the endless sky.

He loved me, sometimes, I loved him too.

How could one not have loved his great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have him. To feel that I have lost him.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without him.

And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep him.

The night is starry and he is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost him.

My sight tries to find him as though to bring him closer.

My heart looks for him, and he is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.

We, of that time, are no longer the same.

Another's. he will be another's. As he was before my kisses.

His voice, his bright body. His infite eyes.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held him in my arms

my soul is not satisfied that it has lost him.

Though this be the last pain that he makes me suffer

and these the last verses I write for him.

* Adapted, original by Pablo Neruda

A present

Yesterday night I received a present. I had hoped for a long time this present would come. I had hoped I would have the chance, at some point, to demostrate I could take the present. That it had no weight for me, and I would be just happy to share the weight it entails for the person who gave it to me. Ultimately, to be trusted.

It has been a touching moment, and I will take it with me. I feel honoured and proud, because I know how much effort it took for this present to be delivered to me. I feel happy, for I know I have given some relief in exchange for this present. and for I know, the more people will receive this present, the lighter its weight will be for the one who carries it.

I feel glad, because receiving this present has allowed me to be in touch with somebody at a very deep level. It feels masks have fallen off and I have been allowed to share fears, doubts, joys.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

how do you...?

Yesterday I had a long nice chat with my friend C, who just had a baby. She told me about the birth, how painful it was, how amazing in the end. Her boyfriend was by her side throughout the whole process. So much that she kept saying how they both delivered the baby together. So much that at the end of it, he was by far more exhausted than her, probably due to the amount of hormones she had running through her body.

What I am wondering today is: how do you share an experience with somebody you do not have close by? How can you convey, that you are feeling every single emotion, every single little pain they feel? Every frustration, every doubt, every fear? How do make them understand, you are with them even if you are not? And if only you could, you would do every thing, every thing in your power to end their troubles and to bring that smile back.

Going through a hard time is tough. I know. Knowing the people you love are going through a hard time and having no chances of doing whatsoever to relieve them is tough as well. When you can not even hug them. When you can't even tell them not to worry, because if there is no way, we can make a new one. Because even if there is a massive river between the present and the much longed for future, we can build a bridge. Together.

I do not know what to do, I simply do not know.

A friend of mine told me, if there are no chance to be with them in their situation, there is nothing you can do. This, however, does not mean I am not feeling with them. I do. Very much so. And I want to put it here, throw it out, hoping it will get to those I am thinking of. And all this energy, all this feeling, I would so much put it at use. Make it become something else, a relief. But how to...?

A song for today

This habit of putting down the lyrics of the song I have in my mind and heart today is good. I like it. So here it is, the song of today (and of many many days before...)

Grace Kelly

I wanna talk to you
[last time we talked Mr Smith you reduced me tot tears
I promise that won't happen again]

Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty? Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?
Yeah, I could be wholesome
I could be loathsome
I guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?
I try to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I tried a little Freddie
I've gone identity mad!
I could be brwon, I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful, I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green, gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door

[getting angry doesn't solve anything]

How can I help it? How can I help it?
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby, hello my baby
Putting my life on the brink

Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like yourself?
Should I bend over?
Should I look older just to be put on your shelf?

I tried to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I tried a little Freddie
I've gone identity mad!
I could be brown, I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful, I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green, gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
walk out the door

Say what you want to satisfy yourself, hey!
But you only want what everybody else
Says youshould want, you should want

I could be brown, I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful, I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be gree, gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Walk out the door

[Humphry, we're leaving]

Kaching

gritting teeth

The time has come. Teeth gritting, waiting, making the time dense. It is a sunny day on the island, I am keeping up with trying to wear nice clothes and cherish myself. I am holding on to the good feelings from ysterday night's dinner and repeating to myself:

Fear not, everything is going to be alright. Believe in yourself, believe in others. Give yourself space and time, give others the same. Nothing will be lost. Much more is about to come.

If I could spread the news that it does not matter there is no way. Because ways can be created. Because even when there is a river between between people, a bridge can be built. If only I could, I surely would. And maybe I am, by writing this down here.

sharing stories

A lovely dinner with G. we have shared funny stories, sad stories and feelings that still hurt. How comforting though, to share them all. How comforting to see how one's tragedies ultimately lead to happy endings of some sort. How much hope can come out of sharing experiences.

What I will try to take home:

• life has its own ways to support you when you feel you would like to let go
• time is dense, and is never wasted
• i don't know the future, and nor do you
• open heart and open arms, if you want others in your life
• sadness and pain are part of everybody's life, but do not resent if you want to be happy again

And now time for bed..

magic

There was a time I felt lost and weak and tired.

I went to bed.

I looked for you for the first time. I never did because I was scared. Scared of knowing once again you would not come. Scared of knowing I was looking for something that did not exist. This time, I called for you. And you came.

You put your hand on my ear. You made me feel welcomed and loved and cared for. You held me. The cat was sitting on my lap, sweetly purring and warming my body.

I was so weak. I could not even touch the cat. I could not even turn around to look at you. Was it because I was too weak? Or was it because you just could not let me see you?

I am sorry I kept you away for so long. I just can't stand to see you leaving. Because I know you will never stay. But now, now, I just want you in my life, no matter how. no matter for how little time you can stay.

Am I strong enough now to accept it? I think I am. And I want you to know I am.

A few nights ago I looked for you again. I always feel I can't abuse this. I fear if I ask too much then nothing will come and I will feel abandoned. Did you come? Was it you then playing that music? It was the most wonderful music I ever heard. I think it was you. I need to believe it was you.

I want you to know I am grateful for that. I am sorry I do not remember the music. Maybe you did not want me to remember it? But I heard it, and this is what matters. I also want you to know I will leave the door open. Just come if you can. Just come if you want. Anytime, really.